Humor

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A bird in the hand...can be messy.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer !

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, NIGHT !!

A ferret is God's way of telling you NOTHING is child-proof !

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

A lot of people pack up their troubles....and send them off to summer camp !!

A pat on the back is just inches away from a kick in the butt.

All you really need in life is love and a few major credit cards.

Always forgive your enemies....they hate it..!!

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else !

Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistum.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Are you the opposite sex...or am I ???

As I said before, I never repeat myself !!

At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great man stands an amazed mother-in-law.

Better days are coming, they are called Saturday and Sunday.

Boss spelled backwards is Double S-O-B.

Caution: I know karate...and six other Chinese words.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE !

Don't walk behind me....your not my slave. Don't walk next to me....we aren't equal. But PLEASE walk in front of me....cause damn...you have a nice a**.

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice !

Dyslexics of the World....Untie !!!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy and boring !!

Early to bed and early to rise and you'll miss a lot of fun !!

Early to bed and early to rise is the first one in the bathroom.

Eat...drink...and remarry !!

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

God made just so many perfect heads....

he rest he covered with hair.

Grow your own dope....plant a man.

He who laughs last...thinks slowest.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, have no fun.

Honey, your proctologist called: He found your head!!!

How can I miss you if you won't go away??

How long a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

I can resist anything but temptation !

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't look for trouble...it finds me !

I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely.

I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it no longer offers same day service.

I have a problem with furniture.... My chest has fallen into my drawers...!!!

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If sweetness and kindness don't work .... nag nag nag!!!

If you are what you eat...I must be cheap, fast and easy !!

If you can afford to go First Class and don't...your Heirs will !!

If you can't take the heat, get an air-conditioner for the kitchen.

If you drink and drive, don't park, accidents cause people!!

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you'll regret it in the morning.... sleep late !!

I'm going to be more assertive....if that's OK with you.

I'M LOST...I have gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please tell me to wait.

I'm not lost....I'm temporarily directionally impaired.

I'm not really brilliant... It's just that my friends are stupid !

I'm so busy...I don't know if I just found a rope or lost my horse !!

I'm not going to worry unless the animals start lining up two by two for the next space shuttle.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it !

It's better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a jerk !

It's not a bald head....it's a solar panel.

It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it !!

K.I.S.S. = Keep It Simple Stupid !!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents... AND accidents in the back seat cause kids !

Kwityurbellieakin !!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast...The mime next door went nuts !!

Laugh and the world laughs with you....Snore and you sleep alone...

Lead me not to temptation. I can't find it myself.

Lefties are all right !

Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

Me, broke??? I'm just having an out of money experience.

My husband said if I go out shopping one more time he is gonna leave me. Lordy, I'll miss that man !

My inferiority complex is not nearly as good as yours.

My mind works like lightening....one brilliant flash and it's gone !!

Never argue with an idiot...people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

Opinions are like belly buttons, everybody has one !

On this site in 1897...nothing happened...But yesterday....all heck broke loose...!!

Once you get a mouthful of hot coffee, whatever you do next is going to be wrong.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody is listening !

Our motto:

" If it ain't broke, keep fixin' it till it is! "

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Please Lord...let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Put off procrastinating till a later time.

Quityerbellyaching

Reach for the stars...it keeps your chest from sagging !

Right now, I'm having amnesia and dejavu' at the same time....I think I've forgotten this before.

Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.

Shake it more than three times and your playing with it!

She who wants a knight in shining armor....must clean up after the horse.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Short people RISE to the occasion !

Some relatives are like fires... The sooner they're out...the better !

Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.

Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.

Sometimes I feel like life is a black tie affair and all I've got in my wardrobe is T-shirts !

Squeeze me real hard... I'm real good under pressure !!

Star light, Star bright, Where the hell is Mr. Right ??

Stop talking while I'm interrupting.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight !!

Stupid people should wear signs, would you like one ?

Stupid people shouldn't breed !

Stupid people use quotes to make themselves sound smarter. You can quote me on that !

Thank you for not breeding.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

The perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything is a burglar alarm.

The procrastination support group meeting has been postponed !!

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

The woman who drives from the backseat...is no different that the man who cooks from the dining room table.

Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is free !!

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

This house is guarded by a shotgun three nights a week...You guess which three...!

To err is human, to forgive unlikely.

Today is the start of a new error !

Today was a total waste of make-up.

24 hours in a day....24 beers in a case...coincidence?

25% or men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave their house....99% of men kiss their house good-bye when they leave their wife !!

We have a magic lawnmower. Whenever I take it out of the garage, the kid's disappear !!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ? (I don't know...and I don't care !!)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm sensational !

When I die, please bury me at Wal-Mart...at least I know my wife will visit me there !!

When in doubt...mumble.

When the going gets tough....the tough use duct tape !!

When there's a will...there's a lawsuit !

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray !

Work smarder not harder and be careful of yor spelling.

Would you like a bit of cheese with your whine ?

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter !!

You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

You may have a heart of gold...but so does a hard boiled egg.

You will never find a lost article until it has been replaced.

If you love something set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back,
it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money
and doesn't appear to realize that you
had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it !!

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why...some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

the things I can not change,
the courage to change things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

when the mind must override
the body's basic desire
to choke the living crap
out of some idiot
who desperately needs it !!