Christmas

A thought for Christmas

Christmas is the time to remember that we are all in the world together.

For Christmas, give your heart.

The heart of the giver makes the gift dear and precious.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

May the light of your Christmas candles bring joy & beauty to your heart.

May you have the gladness of Christmas which is hope; The spirit of Christmas which is peace; The heart of Christmas which is love.

No matter what I get for Christmas you're all I really need.

Somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through, The joy you give to others is the joy that comes back to you.

You are my joy, my song, my Christmas...every day of the year

Joy to the World.

Who needs Santa when I've got Grandma

Who needs Santa when I've got Grandpa

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Beary Christmas!

Be naughty, save Santa the trip!

Christmas is a "Clause " for Celebration!

Christmas is Giving Gifts of the Heart

Deck the Halls

Frosty the Snowman

Happy Holidays

Happy Holly-days

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Here Comes Santa Claus

Holiday Memories Shared with Friends

I believe in Santa

I can "bearly" wait until Christmas

I Saw Mommy kissin' Santa Claus

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

It's the most Wonderful time of the Year

Jesus is the Reason for the Season

Jingle Bells

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Let it Snow!

Let's Meet under the Mistletoe

Merry Christmas to All, and to all a Good Night!

Merry Kissmas!

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

"Twas the night before Christmas

The best presents under the Christmas tree, were my Husband and Me. ______& _____ 1st Christmas as man & wife

The Children’s eyes on Christmas night could light the town with sparkling light

Tree-mendous wishes

We have Christmas all wrapped up!

We Wish you a Merry Christmas

Who's That Up on the Roof?

Winter Wonderland

Holiday Happiness

O Christmas Tree

Dear Santa...

Home for the Holidays

'Twas the night before Christmas Ho Ho Ho

Look what Santa brought me!

Baby's 1st Christmas

Look what's under the tree for me!

All hearts come home for Christmas

Holly Jolly Christmas

Meet me under the mistletoe

Waiting for Santa

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men. ~ Luke 2:14

Christmas is sharing and caring

There's no place like home for the holidays

White Christmas

Candy Cane Kids

I've been REALLY good!

He knows if you've been bad or good...Hope your Christmas is merry anyway.

Child to mother on Christmas Eve: "Can we eat breakfast tonight so it won't get in the way tomorrow morning?"

Man: "You've got post-holiday depression, don't you? You miss the special frivolity that only happens during the holiday season."

Woman: "No, I miss the special desserts that only happen during the holiday season.

One year I helped my daughter make her Christmas cards. The front had a picture of her three children and said "I like to give homemade gifts for Christmas...". Inside it said "which one of the kids would you like?"

Why do you have to leave the cookies and milk out for Santa? Because he's a man and can't get them himself...

Woman at department store exchange counter: "This is a Christmas gift from my husband. Do I have to wait until Christmas to exchange it?"

Dear friend, Your name is on my Christmas card list, and as I wrote you name and address on the envelope, an odd, puzzling feeling of wonder washed over me, and I wondered ...who are you?

Twelve days of Christmas at school

Twisted greeting cards

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

You are the Christmas of my life...every day of my life.
A thought for Christmas
Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.
(Pass this on to the Wise Women in your life)
Dear Santa
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom.
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.

MERRY CHIRSTMAS
o

Most of us take a lot of photos at Christmas. There are photos of trimming the tree, hanging up stockings, unwrapping gifts, etc. Here are some ideas for photos that you might not always think of:
Selecting the tree
Decorating the house
Addressing and mailing the cards
Outdoor decoration (yours and neighbors)
Wrapping gifts
Making all the special Christmas goodies
The table - before everyone sits down to eat
Cookies and milk waiting for Santa
Children asleep
The living room on Christmas morning - after the gifts are open
Guests who visit or attend your holiday parties
One good way to get photos you might not usually get would be to give each of the members of the family a disposable camera the day after Thanksgiving. Instruct them to take photos of their favorite things about Christmas or things that make Christmas special to them.

Last year I didn't start my Christmas cards until the day after Christmas. Most of them were mailed before January. Many of my friends said they really enjoyed the card because it came at a time when they had time to appreciate it.
I used blank cream card stock cards from Michael's, and using an embossing pen, write in my own none too stylish handwriting "A Joyful Epiphany", which I then embossed with gold embossing powder.
For the inside,
I printed this verse on vellum.
Hallmark is wonderful!
Their greetings are great,
But they don't make enough cards
For the habitually late.
Oh, somewhere I've seen
A belated birthday card.
But what about Christmas?
Is that so hard?
There must be folks like me
Across this great land
Who will thank me
For taking this stand.
To the following verse,
Hallmark, pay attention!
It's the first Tardy Card,
The Special Christmas Edition. 'Twas the night before Christmas,
When Greg heard Janice wail,
"Our Christmas cards, dear,
I've forgotten to mail."
What with family and fun
And the Y2K fuss,
Guess what, darling?
We've just missed the bus.
We love you, we do.
We're sorry we're late.
But, dear friends, you know us,
That's our usual fate.
What? Christmas isn't over?
Yes, Greg, That's right.
Epiphany is yet to come,
Christmas' twelfth night.
Joyful Epiphany, Happy Holidays,
And an Uneventful Y2K

CHRISTMAS GIFT EXCHANGE
For groups of siblings or cousins who live far apart here is a great idea for a gift exchange. Instead of shopping, wrapping, mailing, etc. make scrapbook pages of your family. You won't have to worry about sizes, colors, or whether the gift will be a duplicate. For mailing purposes the 8 x 10 album pages are best (and they will fit in a 12 x 12 album as well). You can do a page of each family member, a do a "year in review". Each person can do a set number of pages or you can each do ever how many you want. You can do the pages over to make as many as you need or you can do one page and have it color copied. Depending on the type of computer and printer people have you might be able to just scan it for some people and send it by email. This is a great way for people to stay in touch with each other's lives no matter how far apart they live. Even if a few family members are not motivated to do this they might still appreciate receiving the pages from others. You might be able to at least get them to send photos and some notes for the others involved to put on pages for themselves.

Think of someone who has been special to you the past year or someone you know who is in need of cheering up. One each of the twelve days before Christmas leave a gift on their porch. You can ring the bell or knock but be sure to leave before they see who it is. If you want to you can reveal who you are on the last day. Better yet you can just leave them a note to pass the idea on to others by doing it themselves next year. This can be an individual or a group project and the gifts can be simple or silly or meaningful or a mixture of all those things. You can try to find things that go along with the original "Twelve Day's of Christmas poem or just use the numbers.
Here are some ideas others have came up with:
Day 1: a 15 pound frozen turkey with two pears in a pear box from the grocery store; a basket of pears
Day 2: a big box of chocolate turtles; a bag of chocolate turtles and a bar of Dove soap
Day 3: an ornament with three hens side by side; a sugar and creamer set with a hen on the lid; chicken soup
Day 4: a cedar bird feeder filled with seed; four place mats
Day 5: five gold napkin rings; pineapple rings; five Christmas candles
Day 6: a half dozen eggs; six-topping pizza
Day 7: plate full of 7 Layer Bars
Day 8: eight kinds of Christmas candy
Day 9: nine Christmas ornaments
Day 10: cookie bouquet with 10 cookies
Day 11: eleven rice crispy treats piled to look like a present and "tied" with red licorice
Day 12: twelve fresh-baked rolls.

This is a compilation of ideas from the Stampin' and Scrappin' board that was started by a post from Jean in TX. Some of the other contributors are: Terri in TX, Susan in Detroit, Denny, country mama, Maribeth on Long Island and late night CMC. There is a related idea in the Thanksgiving file.
(This list would be a good start for a blessing book.)
Several years ago, Jean was in a Sunday school class that handed out a paper about "getting ready for Christmas". It involved concentrating each day on things we take for granted, and then adding something representative of the thoughts to a box for the needy. Food was part of it, but there were other things. On about December 20 take the box of things to a food bank, homeless shelter, nursing home, etc. You could gift wrap the items and indicate on a tag what was in them or leave them unwrapped. It wouldn't hurt to add your "list" to the box, if nothing else, maybe a worker at the shelter or soup kitchen will pick it up and share it with someone for next year.
Pick one idea for each day that pertains to something in your life - or think up ideas of your own.
I can afford the dentist...add a toothbrush and toothpaste to the box
I have clean underwear each day...add a pair of new socks
I have fruit to eat...add a can of peaches
I can afford to be picky; not all children can...add a can of spinach (or whatever you dislike)
I have light to read by...add a flashlight with batteries
I am blessed with good vision...add a small, framed piece of art or a magazine with pretty pictures
I have the gift of being able to hear...add a cassette of Christmas music
I can smell...add a pretty pouch of potpourri
I can taste...add a small package of holiday candy or chocolate
My sense of touch is not impaired...add a soft blanket or plush animal
I can read and write...add a book of poems/short stories/inspirations/etc, some pretty writing paper and envelopes, a nice pen
I can walk, jump, run, dance...add a pair of cushiony insole inserts
I have access to good medical care and insurance to pay for it...add a bottle of Tylenol, bag of cough drops, hot or cold pack, first aid kit, cute print Band-Aids
I am fortunate to live in a clean, safe, warm home...add a bottle of dish detergent, some childproof outlet plugs, a smoke/carbon monoxide detector with new batteries
I have friends and family who love me...add a necklace with a heart locket or a picture frame
I have precious memories of family members who have passed on...add a pretty candle
I can say what I want and vote for whom I want...add an American flag
I have plans, dreams, goals, and hope for the future...add a pretty calendar for 2000
I have friends near and far...box of all occasion cards and a book of stamps
I can go to the beauty shop if I want...add a comb or brush.
I am fortunate enough to have 2 bathrooms...add a bar of soap.
I am lucky not to have to drag my clothes to the Laundromat...add laundry detergent.
I don't have to wash diapers in a wringer washer and hang them out to freeze dry...add a box of disposable diapers.
I have a nice warm house...add mittens, hats, etc.
I have a car in the garage and can go where I want, when I want...add bus tickets.
I can go on a date with my husband when I want...add a gift certificate for 2 to the movies and a gift check for a sitter.
I have animal friends to love me...add some cat or dog food.
I have a beautiful Christmas tree to celebrate Jesus' birth...add some ornaments.
I can afford some treats...add a box of cookies or candy.
I can feed my baby...add a bottle, nipples, liners, or powdered formula.
I don't always eat grape jelly; even if it IS cheap...add your favorite jelly to the box.
Jesus was a fisher of men...add some tuna or salmon cans to the box.
My child has the advantage of a good school - add pencils, paper, crayons, etc. to the box.
My child is blessed with imagination and creativity...add a Barbie doll, Legos, art supplies to the box.
I can stay warm through the winter...add a coat or a blanket.
I can groom myself well...add nail clippers, deodorant, shampoo, soap etc. (This is not meant as demeaning at all! When I did volunteer work for a women's shelter, they always asked for basic toiletries such as these.)
I can take care of my baby...add diapers, formula, diaper rash ointment.
I can afford to have fun...add movie tickets, video rental certificates.
I can afford to take pictures of people and places that are important to me...add a single-use camera
I have $ for food...add gift certificate to supermarket
I have $ for clothes...add gift certificate (Nordies or K-Mart or anything in between!)
I have a big garden...add a pot, zip baggie of potting soil, and some seeds or bulb (amaryllis, paperwhites?)
I am blessed with 2 beautiful children...add a card/painting/drawing done by your kids
I have friends I can call when I need someone to talk to... add a prepaid calling card
I have a job - this one has me stumped...alarm clock, wristwatch, wallet?
My checkbook balanced on the first try...add a pocket calculator and packet of pencils
I'm blessed because my kids are healthy...include one of those fever strip thermometers.
All hearts come home for Christmas...
As we give, We live.
Berry Merry Christmas
Christmas brings my heart, our hearts...together.
Christmas Cheer...Welcome Here
Christmas is the only holiday that we sit around looking at a dead tree and eating candy out of our socks...!
Country Christmas
Evening hush on Christmas dream, Peasants seek the gentle King.
For Christmas...Give your Heart.
Free the ELVES !!
Happy Yule Ya'll !!
Homespun Holidays
Ho Ho Holiday
If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.
Jesus -- the reason for the season
Season's Tweetings
The Christmas spirit is not what you drink..!
The greatest gift of Christmas is that the gift has already been.
The heart of Christmas is Christ.
The sparkle in my child's eye, of wonder and delight...Shines brighter than any Christmas lights, glowing in the night.
'Tis the reason for the season
This is a very special gift, that you can never see. The reason it's so special it it's just for YOU from me. Whenever you are lonely or even feeling blue, you only have to hold this gift and know I think of you. You never can unwrap it. Please leave the ribbon tied. Just hold the box close to your heart. It's filled with LOVE inside.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus you get underwear for Christmas.
You decorate my heart...
You've been naughty, so here's the scoop...All you get is reindeer poop...!!
Friends are a wonderful part of Christmas

It's hard to think of anything
But Christmas in December.
There's so much to look forward to
And so much to remember.

Each evening when goodnights are said,
Take off one link and hop into bed.
When only the star is left to shine,
When you will know it's Christmastime!

Peppermint Stick
Oh, I took a lick of my peppermint stick, and I thought it tasted yummy. It used to be on my Christmas tree, but I like it better in my tummy.

At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year. ~ Thomas Tusser
Be Naughty - Save Santa a Trip!

He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
He looks like Santa Claus

The funniest face
Looked out at me
From a silver ball
On the Christmas tree!
At first I thought
It was Santa's elf,
But I looked again and
It was just myself!

The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down
and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
and very gently wrung the necks
of both the turtledoves,
My true love gave to me.
The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens
to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
for their language was obscene.
The five golden rings were completely fake
and they turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas,
the six laying hens wouldn't lay,
so I gave the whole darn gaggle
to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
All seven to the swimming swans
had drowned.
My true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas
before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a-milking,
nine pipers piping, eleven lords a-leaping,
and twelve drummers drumming
(Well actually I kept one of the drummers)
and sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love,
"We are through, Love."
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore, your Christmas gifts
were for the birds."

On the twelve days of Christmas
my teacher gave to me:
Twelve new problems
Eleven definitions
Ten spelling tests
Nine points off citizenship
Eight words of warning
Seven pages of reading
Six weeks of failing
Five golden "D's"
Four pink slips
Three hot lunches
Two bathroom passes
And a "C" in American History Teacher:
On the twelve days of Christmas
my students gave to me:
Twelve gray hairs
Eleven sassy words
Ten wrong answers
Nine happy moments
Eight poor excuses
Seven silly sentences
Six stunning headaches
Five royal pains
Four erasers flying
Three borrowed pencils
Two sloppy papers
And a smile in American History

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings, which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

I think Santa Claus is a woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened....having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test.
But not Santa. Not a chance.

for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.
It's Christmas time, and once again,
the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
till you get out of jail.
This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
or I'll have to pay a fine.